Dear magcal journal

One day I’m a professional musician playing guitar in the streets of Zurich, Switzerland. The next day I’m in a homeless shelter in the Netherlands, where I was born. It’s incredible what can happen in such a short time. A few days ago I was in paradise with some of the best people I’ve ever met. Things couldn’t be more beautiful than that magical day with them on a private beach. If perfection exists this was it. I had my longest mindful yoga session ever. If I went deeper in this flow the world would wobble like in a trip. And it did…

One week in paradise. Next up, loud unnatural metallic noises, smog and death all around me. That was yesterday. Today I met some amazing people in an occupied building in the Capital of Crete, Iraklio. Two youngsters welcomed me with a joint and deep philosophical conversations. They helped me to get into this place. Right now I am in my own room. All the walls are painted by the hands of a wonderful artist. They even gave me a few welcome presents, including a blanked and a box of cookies. One of them said they are homeless, but that doesn’t make any sense in a place like this. How is this not their home? Their perspective on this abandoned dormitory seems pretty negative to me.

One man that lives here makes instruments. Apparently there are agave trees around, from which I can make a didgeridoo. In my room there is a broken didge standing in the corner. So many synchronicities. 11:11. Some people here make music. They all love to listen. I feel so grateful…

I fell in love, became one with mother nature and finally found a way to pass through a great transitional phase. Last night I slept in a cheap hostel. It was a wise choice that I wouldn’t have made a few years ago. Self respect is important. That’s what a friend told me at exactly the right time during a spontaneous phone call from Serbia.

I wrote a poem for Maria, a beautiful girl I met here. Maybe I’m in love with her. It’s not that I’m in denial. Love is very different now I learned a thing or two about myself and about the world. I love her and I feel that she loves me too. She listens and understands me in a way I’m not used to. The butterflies in my stomach died a while ago. That, I believe, is a good thing. Today I saw her in my minds eye. She looked like me. The way she analyzes everything and puts things in perspective. The thought of having sex with her feels strange and far away. Even though I’m sure it must be fun. I want to explore more with her. What does she think about me? Does she try to imagine similar things I do? There were some moments in which I felt a strong attraction. I know that for me it doesn’t take much to turn up the heat. All I need is her to want me. The problem is that I lost touch with my aggressive, masculine side. Aggressive in a positive way. To go out, take what I really want and to let my impulses lead the way. A little bit of wine might help…

It’s weird to realize how much I’ve changed. For the most part I like it. I like myself much more than before.

From a free spirited little kid into a lost soul; scared of everything. From a small minded, fearful teen into an outgoing extremity junky. Am I a rock star that became a pussy, or a Pussy that forgot he actually is quite a Badass? We will find out soon. I was thinking to ask Maria to go to Gavdos, a magical Island not far from here. Many good people recommended it. She wants to go there, she told me. The question I need to ask myself is; can I stay clear and truthful? That is to say, IF she says yes. Things have changed a lot. I can’t have a normal relationship anymore. Normal relationships are unhealthy, extremely safe and boring. A threat to freedom and the soul. Somehow my masculinity, sexuality and my often aggressive primal instincts are entangled in a weird messy subconscious program. A backwards spiral perhaps. What if I want to fuck? That’s the real question. What if she doesn’t want that? I won’t rape her, that’s for sure. But I will be hurt…Right?

I don’t know. I wanted and needed to be loved. Then, when I felt her love I got confused. When I got the same attention from a guy there was no confusion. That makes much more sense. Maybe I miss the emotions I experienced before. The intense, especially physical sensations I was addicted to before, don’t help me anymore. Maybe I am a fool for thinking it through like this. I miss the action, the heat and playing the game. Can I have that AND my sanity? Or do I need to choose?

Written here in my room:

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