Rise above my Contradictions

On one side I don’t like people. I love life, but there’s not much life left in most people. On the other side I can learn from even the worst people. Maybe, especially from the darkest, horrifying folk.

Then, there are some people I love so much. They see me. They listen, like myself. They share and strive to be the best they can. To learn, grow and chase their dreams.

On one side I wish everyone the best. I try to help people, even the people I don’t like at all. I am kind to them, respect them and even listen to them. On the other side when I open my mouth, nothing enters their reality. In a few cases, people told me, years later, how much they learned from what I told them. So, I don’t see the big picture. I’m not a god. And maybe I help them more than I can ever imagine.

I am really intelligent, very creative and sensitive. When used right, these qualities help me a lot. When I don’t life can become a living hell. This is extremely hard, because of the contradictions. I know for example, when I travel without money and I trust myself and the universe, I will find everything I need. This I know from personal experience and working with the laws of the universe. These laws are real, but I don’t understand them. Sometimes they are the enemy of my intelligence. Also because I identify with my intelligence. It helps me a lot and it also holds me back. I mean, I do.

I need to tell my brain to shut up and trust that whatever happens will be great. This works really well. Even though there is technically a very small chance of achieving something, it is possible. Actually, it’s mostly this intelligent part of me that keeps me away from the treasures of blind trust.

This is not only hard because it doesn’t make rational sense. Also, because most people have never worked with these universal principles and they tell me what I can and can’t do. Right now for example I would like to live in a place of my own. I am in a crisis shelter now. There is a great lack of rooms to find in the places I want to live. Rationally it makes no sense to go after this. On the other side, I know if I trust it will come.

This brings me to another point. Part of me doesn’t care about people. Another part of me cares a lot about other people. I don’t like the way most people think and act, AND I listen to them. Maybe it helps them. We ALL need to change and expand our awareness to survive and thrive as a species.

I see myself in most people, how stupid or evil they may seem. I’m very empathic, and have a killer inside. This empathy can flip around and turn into pure evil. The more good I do, the more I need to take care that it doesn’t turn around.

On one side I act from what I believe. I believe it’s good to be kind to people. Even if they are shitty people. I give them my time and energy. Why? Because I believe it’s the right thing. Sometimes it makes me feel good. Other times it makes me feel like shit. Rationally I don’t know if this is in any way helpful.

On the other side I act from what I know. This is weirdly enough very limited compared to acting from my beliefs. I know for example, it helps me and the people around me to take care of myself. To wash myself, brush my teeth and to have some kind of rhythm. You know what I mean. What I know seems limited to a small radius with me in the center. I know what I feel, what I do and sometimes even why I do it.

The question of why I do things is very important, and sometimes depends on my beliefs. Not my knowledge. I know from experience it helps me to feel better to have goals and to go after them. Knowing why I do it is the difference between a meaningful life and a meaningless life.

On one side I don’t know why I listen to many people. Why I am kind most of the time. I do know it makes me feel better or worse, depending on the situation and the moment. What I know seems to apply in a very, very short moment. What I believe lasts much longer. I believe it’s good to listen and to be kind. I also believe it’s good to be good. I know I prefer to feel happy than to feel depressed. I also know I enjoy power. After the first fight I was in, and won, I felt great. So, why I prefer to do good is a mystery.

…On one side I like to fight and to destroy things and on the other side I like to do good and to create thingsā€¦

My wish is to rise above these contradictions. To embody them and to be whole. To ride the eternal waves of life, fully awake.

Rational conclusions (knowing)

  • I know very little, if anything at all.
  • My beliefs fuel my actions more than my knowledge.
  • I don’t know if there’s a universal truth.
  • Beliefs and knowledge are contradictory.
  • Even if there is a way to prove certain beliefs like universal laws, it makes no sense to do so.

Intuitive conclusions (believing)

  • It’s the right thing to to good. To be kind, help others and share.
  • My beliefs know more than what I know.
  • I feel that some of my beliefs are very real;
  • Maybe even rooted in a greater truth.
  • Believing can be a kind of inner knowing.
  • Beliefs and knowledge are two sides of thing same coin.
  • Believing can provide meaning.


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